Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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