These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
