If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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