As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
this hospital has no fireball
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
