remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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