Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
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