I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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