so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
