I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
