you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
