grandma shit on top of the toilet
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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