Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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