you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
