I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
