My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
