what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
