I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
