Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
operation have a gay friend backfired
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
