i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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