i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
