She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
