I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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