There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
