I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
