That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
