I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
