I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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