It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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