Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
