I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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