why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
They have beer where we have blood.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
