The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
