How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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