What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize