There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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