Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize