Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
