last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Sorry my hands just texted you
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
