2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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