Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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