Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
