My friends, they love my intelligence
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
