Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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