Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
