Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
