fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Randomize
