God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
