I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
