we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
