I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
