Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
