I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
