I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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