I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize