i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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