So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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