i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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