after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
